Saying “no” isn’t about the word “no.” It’s a way to manage your boundaries. Boundaries are the guidelines you need to protect your priorities and well-being. It is impossible to continuously perform at a high level or to serve others to the best of your ability without implementing and maintaining solid boundaries. Although you might be regarded as kind or helpful in the short term for saying “yes,” it will eventually upset or deplete you. Some benefits of setting and maintaining healthy boundaries helps you:
- Build better self-esteem.
- Conserve your emotional energy.
- Give you more independence and agency.
There are three common reasons people say “yes” when they truthfully don’t want to:
- Feeling pressured to agree (and unsure how to deal with that).
- Fear of how others will react (or what they will think)
- They do not know how to say no.
You need a straightforward way of dealing with the pressure and a mindset shift around what saying “no” really means to you. I know this is not easy. I say yes to easily. My best learning last year was practising using the word don’t instead of can’t. We think the two words are interchangeable, but psychologically, they are quite different.
How you say no matters. Consider the difference between these two statements:
- “I can’t take on one more probono mentee, so I am going to decline this time.”
- “I don’t take more than two probono mentee’s and I am already at my max, so my answer is no.”
The can’t phrase implies a restriction by an outside factor and some may think your “no” is up for negotiation. The don’t phrase is empowering and shows your determination to make the best choices for your life.
How to Say “No” with Clarity and Confidence
Step 1: Create the Proper Foundation
Since saying “no” is about protecting your boundaries, your first step is finding where you need to strengthen them. Take a few minutes to define your priorities clearly—both professionally and personally. Think about the guidelines you need in place for your own well-being. Remember, the point of strong boundaries is to help you be your best self.
This reflection will give you more clarity about why you’ll be saying “no” in the future. It’s easier to say “no” when you have a compelling reason that matters. It will also give you more confidence to do the right thing.
Have a foundational discussion at the beginning of each relationship, role, or project where you can share your priorities and requirements. It will make it easier to say no when needed if you have established this upfront.
Step 2: Be Brief and Clear
The best way to say “no” is to keep things simple. There’s no reason to apologize, so don’t. Give a brief, respectful and clear explanation.
If you feel pressured to say “no,” give yourself time. Tell them you need some time to think about it and that you will get back to them later. This will give you some breathing room to decide whether you want to support them (and how to say “no,” if that’s what you decide to do).
If you can help in another way, offer it. Making a counteroffer is a way to gain appreciation and despite refusing the first request. Keep in mind your priorities and boundaries.
Step 3: Keep Focused and Strong
Saying “no” once should be enough. However, some people will continue asking and ignore your original answer. You may be tempted to start justifying yourself when this happens, but there is no reason to. Be brief—don’t be afraid to sound like a broken record. And remember that you’re not rejecting them but instead upholding your boundaries and priorities. You respect yourself, and you are as important as other people. Here are a few ways to repeat yourself respectfully:
- As I’ve already said, I can’t.”
- “I’ve already given you my answer and ask that you respect it.”
Saying “no” doesn’t have to bring on added stress. Follow these three steps and start practising saying “no” at work with confidence so that you can focus on your priorities and be more productive and less stressed. Try using don’t instead of can’t. It does work.
Saying “no” doesn’t have to be stressful. By following these three steps, you can start saying “no” at work and in your personal life with confidence, allowing you to focus on your priorities and become more productive and less stressed.
These insights are inspired by coaching discussions and feedback, offering you ideas to safely experiment and learn. While it may take practice, your commitment will help you achieve your development goals and progress on your life journey.
Stay Inspired, Keep Reflecting
Love Christine